Wedding Bells

I recently went back to the homeland for my brother’s wedding. It was a fantastic event. The ceremony was heartfelt, personalized and clocked in at less than 25 minutes. My brother surprised us all with his show of emotions and my sister-in-law was that perfect mix of grace and strength to guide him through it.

My parents were the happiest and proudest I’ve seen them, with my dad shedding a few tears during the ceremony too. He also gave one of the best wedding speeches and my mom, albeit hesitant she would be able to add nothing more than a few choked sobs, got the last laugh of the speech.

Family and friends came from all over to share the day, including Slovakia, Dubai and Japan (my brother seemed almost surprised that I would fly home for his wedding- as if I’d miss it!). The venue was beautiful, dressed in fall colours, the food was excellent and the DJ didn’t suck and went with the ‘80’s vibe. I caught up with people I hadn’t seen in years and we got updated family portraits.

Not that it was all sunshine and happy times two days before. On Oct. 12th it snowed. Now I know everyone always thinks Canada is an icebox 12 months of the year, but we really have 4 seasons (not just in Japan, like some think) and winter usually starts in late November. So, we were just a tad surpreezed when the flakes started coming down. The wedding ceremony was planned in the outdoor courtyard and we knew the bride would be very disappointed if Plan B had to be enacted. However, luck shone down on us and after two days of snow, it stopped and melted before the ceremony. It was a chilly one, that’s for sure, but nothing that band aids couldn’t hide.

This very real and heartfelt affair was a far cry from the staged media show that was the Holmes-Cruise union recently. Tom even serenaded her with “You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling”! Are you serious?!! But I digress. AND, I feel sorry for people who have sham weddings.


A few insights I’ve learned from weddings:

1. They are the perfect opportunity to make an ass of yourself.

Standing nervously in the wedding courtyard, mentally rehearsing the poem I was about to read in front of 140 family and friends, my brother suddenly puts on his “cop face” , grabs me by the shoulders and directs my back to the nearest wall.

L’il Bro: “I have 2 questions.
#1, Do you want a mike for your reading?
#2, What’s wrong with your dress? Is it supposed to be bunched in the back of your underwear?"

Me: “That would be a THONG, and umm… yes, it’s ahh…a.. Betsey Johnson and it’s all the rage in Tokyo.”

I know, it's such a clichéd embarassing moment that even advertisers use it to sell shaving cream/razors/bikini wax. Yet that didn’t make me feel ANY better. I quickly yelled for my mom and she dragged me into a broom closet to pull the offending underskirt down. All that was between me and half my hometown was a sheer layer of navy chiffon. Mortifying.


2. There is always a guest who wants to take control of the proceedings.

I admit it, I acted like a bit of a battle axe as the MC. Perhaps keeping the wedding party waiting for their introduction for 15 minutes, while I dagger-eyed a group of people who were busy taking photos and catching up and NOT listening to my instructions, was a bit much. Or getting on the wait staff for not bringing out the plates in precision order. I did see tables drooling over their neighbours’ shoulders at their prime rib.

The bride’s mother hilariously summed up my dogged determination to keep the evening under (my) control when she was asked about a planned game for the evening and said, “See that woman over there (with her almost bare ass showing)? She’s in charge of keeping things on track. And they WILL be. Trust me.”

In my defence, I was honoured to be asked and wanted to outdo Robbie Hart in THE WEDDING SINGER. Not that that would be hard. My bro and sister-in-law just didn’t realize when they asked me how much of a hard-ass I was really gonna be. But they were happy when my “skills” procured us a microphone from the wedding festivities upstairs (likely cutting some wannabe-Mariah's song short- oops, my bad), for an impromptu live performance.


3. Weddings are no longer "singles" events.

In the past, many an available wedding party member or guest looked forward to the event as a chance to find new action. Think FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL. Every wedding was a new chance to meet someone who didn't see you projectile vomiting the previous weekend at your local watering hole.

However, times have changed. Drastically. For example, at my brother's wedding I think I was the ONLY single. Almost the entire wedding party was married and expecting. All of my brother's friends from our high school? Yep, married with children. I think the only other single person was my teenaged cousin. Oh wait..., that's right, even my 16-year old cousin has a full dance card.

Maybe it's because people are getting married later in life and therefore by the time you walk down the aisle, your attendees are at least in a "committed relationship". It's something to keep in mind when preparing your guest list. If you're gonna invite single John from work, then you better invite single Kanako from yoga and so on, to fill that 8-seater. As well, don't forget to ensure ALL members of the teams have someone to strive for. And don't even think you can stretch out the numbers by making that one crappy singles table. Y'know, the one where you stick your 8-year old nieces and nephews who get to eat at the "big kid's table" for the first time, and put your three 30-something single friends plus sister in charge of babysitting. No matter how tight you are for space and food. If you do, you can rest assured your invite to their next birthday/housewarming/Grey's Anatomy/tummy tuck party will "be lost in the mail".

4. There is always one “lampshade-wearing” guest.

Case in point, a very affable and funny guest who entertained many with his tie around his head, showing us his best break dancing moves, including, of course - the worm. Gotta love the guy who will take one for the team and make everyone else look sober. They’re my favourites because I’m usually the one veering dangerously close to the starring role, so they often save my ass. My friend Dave once gave me the best advice about drinking in a group: “Always make sure there are at least TWO other people who are drunker than you.” I think it’s sage advice and try to stick to it.

At another wedding, there was a guest who used his best James Bond maneuvers to sneak into the wedding downstairs, which hadn’t yet closed its bar for dinner, and proceeded to sneak drinks up to our floor. He ended the night spinning wildly on the dance floor, sans partner of course (see #3), while we all counted the number of rotations. He then puked on the bride’s gown.

Ahh, good times kids, good times.